Remembering Jennifer 4/11/2021

Over the past few months, this beautiful young lady has been on my mind and I couldn't figure out why. Then I remembered, it will be ten years today that we lost her. My heart still aches for her, for her family, for her friends. Ten years. But not one day goes by without her in our thoughts. My daughter often does small tributes to Jennifer, just to let her know she's missed and loved. Today she plans to let loose a sunflower balloon with a note to Jennifer. Sunflowers were Jenn's favorite flower. I wrote the post below the day after her passing. I come back to it occassionally to find some semblance of peace. And, if you've lost a loved one in the same manner, I hope this brings you peace as well. Tuesday morning my daughter learned a dear friend, she once considered a sister, took her own life. Why? No one can say. Jennifer was a beautiful young woman with so much to live for. Unfortunately, she didn't think so. It shatters my heart to think this young child felt ending her life was the only answer. That no one close to her even knew she carried such a darkness inside her. She was a special person and she will be deeply missed. While online earlier, I found this article by Sarah York, a Unitarian Minister who specializes in grief counseling. Her words were comforting to me and I hope to you. I hope she doesn't mind my using her words.(I changed the names to Jennifer).

Early this week, Jennifer completed a decision. Where there is pain and confusion, despair and doubt, we long for the end to suffering. For some, life no longer has any choices but one. Life leaves scars that the suffering can not find the inner resources to heal. The inner pain was too great – pain that she had contained within herself for years, pain that often lashed out in anger, mostly at herself. Jenn chose to end the suffering for herself. The mind was exhausted, the heart frightened, and the end taken. The suffering does not end, however, for those who have loved and cared for her. Friends and family are left with feelings of shock, betrayal, anger, sadness, and – in time – compassion and forgiveness. Those who are left ask and continue to ask, “What could I have done? Why didn’t I see it?” No one knows. And nothing will bring her back. No one is responsible for Jenn’s choice but Jenns

and this

We come into this time with a range of emotions as deep and complex as the young woman we are remembering. Here there is love – and the searing pain of separation. Here there is anger – and the futile search to understand why Jennifer could not weather the despair that locked her alone into her self. Here there are questions – why, mostly. Why? Some of you come feeling bruised by this death and asking what you could have done to prevent it. Jenn’s choice to die touches the despair that courts many of us in our own moments of loneliness and threatens the structures of meaning that affirm our own lives. Let us remember that no single act of desperation can define a life. No matter how stalked by pain, Jennifer’s life also had its moments of delight and happiness, caring and friendship, sharing and love. Death by choice is not a denial of life; it is the cry of despair for more life. It grows from a deep personal alienation or profound suffering and is carried out alone, after a struggle within the self. When a death such as this cuts across life in its fullness, we are left with a certain incompleteness. We know that Jennifer leaves much unfinished, unfulfilled, unsaid. There are still other things you wanted to share with her, and she with you: Graduations, weddings, the birth of grandchildren; another walk on the lake at sunset with friends, another shopping spree, another video game. This sadness for the loss of this life, full and blossoming, mingles with the sadness for the loss of possibilities not realized.

It's so difficult to find words of comfort for the family and friends who suffered through this tragedy, but Ms. York says them well. Rest in Peace, Jenn.

Baby it's Cold Outside

2/19/2021

So, unless you're in Cancun, you know Texas is going through the worst winter it's ever had in a thousand years. Up to three inches of snow in San Antonio, which is central Texas, and higher amounts in the northern states like Dallas, Amarillo etc. While it's pretty when it falls and builds up and can be fun to play in....we're over it.

My daughter's attempt at building a snow-dog

I live an hour southeast of San Antonio, where we got about an inch of snow on top of an inch of ice. We live in the country and it's always windy so our drifts were about a foot or so. Our morning temperatures dropped to 9 degrees on Monday and gradually warmed to the twenties as of this morning. 

Because Texas is a southern, tropical-ish state, a large majority aren't prepared for the cold. No one owns parkas, or ski caps, snow boots or long-johns. Very few have fireplaces or wood burning stoves. However, because we lived in Illinois and once upon a time in Alaska, my husband and I still own 'snow' clothing and my daughter has some from when we were in Illinois two years ago. 

Because we live an hour from San Antonio, we didn't have to suffer too long without power (only one day)...although we've been without water since Tuesday. I had to melt snow to finish my dishes and once the water started to trickle in from the faucet I filled my large gumbo pot so I could continue washing dishes, although the water stopped flowing due to the freeze on Wednesday. My husband brought home two 5 gallon buckets of water from work so we could fill the toilet tanks. Fortunately, I had filled four 5 gallon jugs of Primo water on Saturday, so we have plenty to drink. As of this morning, our water is back on...but we'll see how long that will last because there is a leak in the laundry room. 

And, let's not forget the animals. We have six stray cats and a stray dog on the property. I've been trying to keep them warm as best I can. I have a large 9 foot long box with a comforter in the carport for them. I've been leaving out plenty of food and have been melting the water that keeps turning to ice so they have something to drink. So far, they're faring well. 

All of that sounds horrible, huh? But, everything we've gone through, is Nothing compared to what others are going through in the state. People are dying. Not just in the big cities but in the smaller communities (like the town I live in) because their homes are not well insulated and of course they don't have the clothing or blankets to snuggle in. 

Some of our northern friends can't seem to understand what all the 'hoopla' is about, after all they go through this all the time. *eye roll* But the insensitivity is two-fold, as many along the gulf coast can't see to understand why they can't handle a hurricane. 

Anyway....by the grace of God, our temperatures will be going up....mid sixties by Monday, which is when many of us will see what damage was done to our pipes. The fight is not done. 

There was an article in Rolling Stone about what you can do to help those in need. You can find it here.

Thank you for reading. I hope, wherever you are, you're staying safe and warm.

Peace and love. ✌️

Obsession

2/1/2021

 My title [song] Obsession is by Aminotion. Now you can get the song stuck in your head like it has mine. You're welcome.

So, long time no post....not that anyone has noticed.  Honestly, I keep forgetting I have a blog and that I'm supposed to write on it. Also....I can't really think of anything to post. But today, while I was munching on some Milk Duds, I realized...they are my newest obsession. I go through many obsessions...mostly food items (yes, I consider candy food). 

Like I said, right now it's Milk Duds before them it was Bartlett Pears. My obsessions usually only last a few months. So far I've also eaten through my obsession with watermelon, sour saltwater taffy (from Bucee's in Texas), popcorn, apples...I think that's it. So, not a large list. 

 I've never really been an obsessive type...I guess that's why they don't last long. Or could be that ADD I keep hearing about. 🤔

What about you? Any obsession you want to share? Anything you think would appeal to me?

Let me know. 

Thanks for reading!