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Tuesday morning my daughter learned a dear friend, she once considered a sister, took her own life. Why? No one can say. Jennifer was a beautiful young woman with so much to live for. Unfortunately, she didn't think so. It shatters my heart to think this young child felt ending her life was the only answer. That no one close to her even knew she carried such a darkness inside her. She was a special person and she will be deeply missed.
While online earlier, I found this article by Sarah York, a Unitarian Minister who specializes in grief counseling. Her words were comforting to me and I hope to you. I hope she doesn't mind my using her words.(I changed the names to Jennifer). Early this week, Jennifer completed a decision. Where there is pain and confusion, despair and doubt, we long for the end to suffering. For some, life no longer has any choices but one. Life leaves scars that the suffering can not find the inner resources to heal. The inner pain was too great – pain that she had contained within herself for years, pain that often lashed out in anger, mostly at herself. Jenn chose to end the suffering for herself. The mind was exhausted, the heart frightened, and the end taken. The suffering does not end, however, for those who have loved and cared for her. Friends and family are left with feelings of shock, betrayal, anger, sadness, and – in time – compassion and forgiveness. Those who are left ask and continue to ask, “What could I have done? Why didn’t I see it?”
No one knows. And nothing will bring her back.
No one is responsible for Jenn’s choice but Jenns and this We come into this time with a range of emotions as deep and complex as the young woman we are remembering.
Here there is love – and the searing pain of separation.
Here there is anger – and the futile search to understand why Jennifer could not weather the despair that locked her alone into her self.
Here there are questions – why, mostly. Why?
Some of you come feeling bruised by this death and asking what you could have done to prevent it.
Jenn’s choice to die touches the despair that courts many of us in our own moments of loneliness and threatens the structures of meaning that affirm our own lives. Let us remember that no single act of desperation can define a life. No matter how stalked by pain, Jennifer’s life also had its moments of delight and happiness, caring and friendship, sharing and love. Death by choice is not a denial of life; it is the cry of despair for more life. It grows from a deep personal alienation or profound suffering and is carried out alone, after a struggle within the self.
When a death such as this cuts across life in its fullness, we are left with a certain incompleteness. We know that Jennifer leaves much unfinished, unfulfilled, unsaid. There are still other things you wanted to share with her, and she with you: Graduations, weddings, the birth of grandchildren; another walk on the lake at sunset with friends, another shopping spree, another video game. This sadness for the loss of this life, full and blossoming, mingles with the sadness for the loss of possibilities not realized.
It's so difficult to find words of comfort for the family and friends suffering through this tragedy, but Ms. York says them well.
Rest in Peace, Jenn.
Okay...I'm not in a good mood, so I'm going to spew my venomous anger here....sorry....you might want to just move along...although hardly anyone even reads my blog, so, whatever. Anyway....what's got me so pissed off, you might ask? Contests! The RWA Golden Heart to be exact. What's the GH you ask? It's a contest for unpublished writers held by RWA.... duuuhhhLike an idiot, I entered...two of my novels....yeah, really stupid waste of money. But, I entered because I really thought I had a good chance of finaling...after all both books had been professionally edited and 'doctored', both have gotten rave reviews from my beta readers and both have had many requests by agents and editors, and one recently sold. But, when March 25 rolled around, I didn't get "the call". There was always a part of me that knew I wouldn't because for some reason when I enter a contest (which I very rarely do) I always end up with that one judge who just trashes my scores. (I haven't gotten my scores back yet for GH, but was told recently that neither novel's scores were very high.....which just pissed me off even more!!) It's like they have a personal vendetta against me or something. Maybe they're threatened...who knows? Or, maybe I just get the worst judges they can find...those newbie writers who judge the books based on the "rules" of writing...for instance...Assinine rule #1---the hero and heroine must meet in the first five pages (nope, doesn't happen in my books). Assinine rule # 2....the first male character shown in the book must be the hero (not always in my book). I'm sure there are more, but I can't think of them cuz I'm still annoyed. (I've downgraded from pissed so that's a good thing.) Ranting on a blog really helps....and kept me from replying to an earlier email with a comment so nasty it probably coulda gotten me suspended from RWA...then where would my local chapter be? They're about to elect me president...haha. Anyway...for anyone thinking about entering GH..ever...DON'T...it's a waste of time and money and you get nothing valuable from it. To be honest, in the whole scheme of things the contest means absolutely nothing. I mean....no one can even tell you who finaled or who won last year (without cheating, that is) and you likely won't find the winning book in the stores because half the time the winners or finalists don't ever sell their book...I can name several people who constantly final but never sell....that should tell you something about the judges. But, that's besides the point. Am I being too bitter? Damn straight! Do I have a right to be? Hell yeah! Am I shooting myself in the foot by shooting off my mouth? Most likely. Do I care? Not really. Now...do I feel better having said all this? Kinda. Anyway....on to something less bitchy. I finally got my assigned editor for my recently sold book, so hopefully I'll have a release date soon. Which means I'll have to do some promos to help get the book into your hands....and doing promos isn't fun...I'm just not the attention getting whore I need to be. (heh) I'm also trying to rebuild my website...and I must bow down to those people who can build websites without wanting to kill someone! Ok....Rant's over and it's getting late. I'm going to bed now. So...tell me fearless reader....what's pissed you off recently?
Okay, we're going to pretend that's NOT a Justin Bieber song. Well, it's official....I signed a contract with another electronic publisher for my novel Forget Me Not. This is the book that was on the table at Kensington a few years ago, but the editor left and it got kicked to the curb. Anyway, I refused to give up on the book and sought the guidance and copy-edits of my dear friend the wonderful Lauren Baratz-Logsted! I had hoped to go to a traditional publishing house with the book but felt like I'd already burned those bridges when I had an agent. And I gave up looking for an agent to help me sell when the two I had previously didn't work out. Such a long story and not worth going into. Eventually I'll look for an agent again....the third time's a charm, right? But, for now, I'm going to stick with taking care of business myself. I'm really excited that this book is going to be published, but at the same time I'm terrified it's going to be out there for strangers to read and maybe even rip to shreds...not that I expect anyone to hate it, the readers I've had so far all love the story and especially my hero, Scott (who is my favorite character of my works). So, anyway, I haven't gotten the details on a release date, but I'll post that as soon as I get the word. There's a lot to do before a book can be released...gotta make the cover, gotta go through about five sets of copy-edits, then gotta proof the galleys. Although, electronic publishing is faster than traditional publishing so the book will most likely be on sale within the next six months...maybe by my birthday. :) So, I hope you'll search it out when the time comes and let me know your thoughts. In the meantime...I have to restart my web-presence, rebuild my website and try to figure out more ways to promote myself (which is really hard cuz I'm not the "Look at me!" type. Oh, and to whet your appetite for the book, here's the blurb: Thirteen murders. Six years. One connection.
Romance novelist Casey Martinez thought changing her name would help her escape the pain of her past but when she receives photographs of a grisly murder, it becomes evident that a killer is stalking her. Over the past five years, women who share an eerie similarity to Casey have been found raped and mutilated—each with the remains of Casey’s book by their side. Haunted by the death of her mother twenty five years earlier, Casey does what she swore she would never do-- returns to her hometown, Rosehill, Texas.
Hidden away in a beach house, Casey's stubborn determination clashes with easy-going Scott Weller, the detective assigned as her bodyguard. When Casey is attacked during a break-in, evidence points to a second stalker. And with the gruesome discovery of another body, it becomes a race against time to find the real killer before Casey becomes the next victim.
I hope you all had a great weekend ringing in the new and tossing out the old. I think most everyone spent the time putting away their Christmas decorations. We were no exception. Funny how fast you can tear it all down. On New Years day I made our traditional dinner of black-eyed peas, cabbage, cornbread and ham. The kids all complained about it, but they ate it anyway...no one was going to chance the bad luck. I even told Becca about the superstition that if you sneeze on New Year's day you'll have good luck for the year. She really took it to heart and sneezed a jazillon times that day! Anyway, the rest of the day was spent doing much of nothing. My husband watched football all day, Adam and Manda both had to work, Jeremy played some game (WOW, I think) on the computer and Becca and I went to see The Little Fockers. It was a pretty funny movie. We planned to see Black Swan, but it was so packed and the only open seats were the ones right in front of the screen, so we passed on that movie and went to see the Fockers. So, anyway....Becca and Jeremy went back to school today so I've had only peace and quiet all day (Manda slept in--her classes don't start for another two weeks). I was planning to try to start a new book (or jump back into an unfinished one) but I can't seem to get motivated. All the rejections of the past years have really killed my muse. :-/ I need to find another one or steal someone else's ...hmmm....I wonder where Nora Roberts' muse vacations. hah Okay, so far my new year is a bit dull...or at least the blog is. Maybe it'll get better...my horoscope keeps telling me it will. I guess I should go try and be productive at something. If you made it this far....wow....sorry. =D Enjoy your day and thanks for reading. I shall attempt to post another rambling blog tomorrow. Cheers!
Well, less than fifteen hours left of 2010! I can't say I'm sad to see it end! I'm looking forward to ringing in 2011 with our friends and family. It's going to be a great new year, full of new challenges--Becca will be graduating high school and heading off to L A to make her mark. Adam is going to start taking classing in the summer to enhance his law enforcement career. Manda is still in college (she passed with flying colors last semester) and Jeremy, hopefully, will be playing baseball on the high school team. I'm planning to do more writing...just gonna throw up words on the page and hope it turns into a work of art. haha I hope your new year is spectacular! May you close the door on 2010 and all the regrets and what if's you had and step into 2011 refreshed and full of hope and make your dreams come true!! And, if you're even a little bit superstitious when the clock strikes midnight and you look at your calendar the date will be 1/1/11...make a wish!  Warm Hugs!!,
Wow, only three days until Christmas and less than two weeks until the new year! I can't believe how fast 2010 went, it's practically a blur! Not that I'm complaining, 2010 turned out to be a sucky year! My daughter, Becca, said it's because on New Year's Day we didn't do our traditional "Good Luck" meal of ham, cornbread, black-eyed-peas and cabbage. I've done this meal all my life and except for a few times between '81-'85 (which explains a lot!) I've never strayed from the tradition/superstition. But last year, with my oldest (Adam) living in Houston (and apparently that bummed me out more than I let on) and my kids complaining how much they hated ham/cabbage/black-eye-peas/cornbread, I decided to skip it. And, what happens?? A crappy year!! Becca had A LOT of teenage drama which included a cyber-bully and backstabbing by her "friends". Most girls would have been broken by the betrayal, luckily she's a strong soul. Jeremy didn't make the cut for the high school baseball team (his fault for failing English), but he had a good spring playing ball and even made All-Stars. Amanda--okay she didn't have too bad a year. She graduated high school and started college (although she's going for kindergarten teacher instead of pastry chef because her limitations made it too hard to do the job). Adam--as I said he moved back to Houston before the end of the year. He started out with a good job in construction but then got screwed over big-time! They took him off the construction job and asked him to do security--working him 12 hrs a day 7 days a weeks, but only paying him ten hours of overtime and banking the rest (for rainy days I guess.) Then they told him the site he was watching was closing up for a week and they'd call him when they got back, but never did, so he spent March thru September unemployed and unable to find a job all the while getting behind on his car note and rent....which we had to pay for him so he wouldn't lose his car...which really put a strain on our finances. (I'm still very pissed at the owner of this company who doesn't even pay attention to what his foreman is doing!!) Anyway, in September, we told Adam to just come home, which he did. Within a month he'd found a job with a security company and is doing very well. So...I say good riddance to 2010!! And, come on over 2011!! You are going to be OUR year!! Because, not only will I be making my traditional New Year's Dinner, but midnight, when we ring in the new year, we will close our eyes and make a wish....because the date will be 1/1/11....11-11 in other words. For me and the kids, whenever you see 11-11 you close your eyes and make a wish. They don't always come true but a majority of them do (like Jeremy wishing to pass all his finals--and he did!) so we aren't gonna mess with a good thing. =) Of course you have to make your own luck too, so, for 2011, I'm going to fight callouses and braincells to get more novels written and sold! I'm also going to really fight to lose weight before I hit RWA's National Conference in NY over the summer...which I'm really looking forward to. A full week in NY with Becca and hopefully my niece Sierra. So....what are your wishes for the new year? Do you make wishes or set goals? (for me, goal is a four-letter word!) Thanks for reading. Have a Wonderful Christmas and an Awesome New Year!!
October 10, 2010. Five months and five days since my last post. That should mean something, right? (other than my laziness when it comes to blogging--heh). I've never been into numerology or even understood it for that matter, but some people seem to think days like these are special. Okay, granted, you'll only see these dates once in your lifetime, but that doesn't make them unusal. Just...cool. Like 11:11. For some reason those numbers are supposed to be magical, at least my kids think so and whenever they see them they close their eyes and make a wish. Okay, I do too...I also wish on the first star at night...sue me. ;-P Anyway...my friend Brenda Birch said I needed to update my blog, so that's what I'm going to attempt to do. If you're familiar with me or my blogs, you'll know I'm not very talkative so my blogs tend to be rather random. The last five months have been pretty uneventful, so it won't take long to play catch-up. My daughter, Manda, graduated high school and as promised we went to Texas for a party with the family. We rented a beach house in Port Bolivar and had a wonderful time! We also got to spend some time with family and friends and even got to spend some long-past-due time with my niece, Sierra. She even came back home with us and spent another week. Manda is now in college, taking her general studies. She's planning to be a kindergarten teacher, although she'll probably only be an aide since it's not likely she'll be able to handle a full class on her own. The first week of August my other daughter, Becca, celebrated her 17th birthday. A few days later she got her driver's license. The officer who gave her the driving test was greatly impressed and told her she was the best driver he'd had all day. (yeah, I take credit for being her teacher. heh). School started right after her birthday and now we're doing all the 'senior/pre-graduation' stuff for her. My oldest, Adam, moved back home--he'd been living (or trying to) in Texas for the past year. He recently found a good job, so hopefully he can get on his feet and start supporting himself! Jeremy, the baby, is a sophmore, so two more years before we have to do the 'senor' stuff for him. Over the summer he was on the Little League 'All-Star' team. They did fairly well, although if they'd had a better coach, they'd have gone all the way! Now that Jeremy's too old for LL he has to wait until spring to play ball again..provided he makes the school team. As for me...not much has changed. Still, kinda, sorta, writing. In April I sent my novel, Forget Me Not to a friend, Lauren Baratz-Logsted, who does book-doctoring and copy-edits on the side. She'd worked on my other book Dark Obsession (which is still with two houses...just waiting for them to say YES I WANT THIS BOOK!! HERE'S A BUTTLOAD OF MONEY!!) haha....okay, I can dream, can't I??? Anyway, the year before and I was very happy with the results, so I sent Lauren my next book. She had about two pages of comments about what didn't work for the story so I've been rewriting and deleting a lot of scenes. I even started working with a new critique group who have been very helpful with the inconsistencies as I rewrite. Okay..so this was boring. Like I said, not much of a blogger. If you stayed through this whole thing...wow...you're either very sweet or very bored. haha As a token of my appreciation I will send you (via PDF) a copy of my book, Her Will His Way. Just email me at TerriMo2@yahoo.com with your email. =)
My son and I were watching the news earlier and he stated that he was going to sign a petition opposing the new Arizona Immigration Law that went into effect in April. My son is 14 and not the brightess bulb in the box (unless it has to do with math or sports). His position on the law is because Steve Nash from the Phoenix Suns is against the bill. Really? Stick to what you get paid for Steve, although you won't get paid for much longer if you continue to rally against your home state.
Okay...if you know me or read my blogs you know I don't follow politics much...I'm certainly not passionate about it but I have to say, all the hooplah about the immigration bill just really irritates the shit out of me. I mean, seriously...boycott a state because you think the law is unconsitutional?? Who's it unconstitutional to?? Illegal immigrants? They're not legal...they have no US constitutional rights!
What I don't understand is why everyone is making such a big deal about the bill. Govenor Brewer is just enforcing the Federal immigration bill. The new Az law says :
police officers, “when practicable,” can detain people they reasonably suspect are in the country without authorization and to verify their status with federal officials, unless doing so would hinder an investigation or emergency medical treatment.
Now, for some assinine reason, some people seem to think this gives the police the right to "racial profile''. No...it doesn't! Racial profiling happens all the
time--whether intentional or not and sadly, that's just the way life is.
Sure, we've learned to be more tolerant of each other's political, social,
economic and religious views, but that doesn't mean we don't look at certain people and think...are they a terrorist? or are they going to stand on my doorstep and shove pamplets at me and make me listen to how the world is going to end and I'm going to Hell if I don't go to their church? Or if a young woman is standing on a street corner are you going to automatically assume she's "looking for company'? I know, that's not racial...but it's still profiling.
I'm second generation Mexican/American...I was born in the US...my grandparents were lucky enough to escape across the border and build a life for their children and I'm very proud of my heritage...but I do not oppose this new law. I'm sorry, but I see nothing wrong with wanting to keep our borders safe and protect not only those family that live on this end of the border but those families trying to cross over because they believe the coyotes when they tell them they can have a better life. I'm not saying I don't want them here or don't want them to have a better way of life....everyone is entitled to that....all I'm saying is go through the proper channels. Come on over but do it legally. The Mexican president is opposed to the law as well...but dude...treat your people better and maybe they won't keep trying to escape!
As I said, this whole debacle is completely ridiculous. To all those companies and people pulling their business and money out of Arizona: That isn't going to help your cause. Emotional or financial blackmail only makes you a bully and you're hurting the millions of families already struggling to make ends meet. Someone at a forum I ran across said, maybe we should ship all the illegals to one of these states who think we're doing something wrong and let them foot the bill for their care....those states would do a fast turnaround of support.
On the midday news Rev. Al Sharpton stated he planned to march in Phoenix against the bill when it goes into effect. As if that wasn't stupid enough he also stated: "And I'm not going to carry any identification papers!" Uh....are you that fucking stupid Sharpton (that's rhetorical)...you're a US citizen...unless you plan to drive your own vehicle or board an airplane...you don't need your ID. And to those who are worried about the bill or being profiled....if you're here illegally...keep your nose clean, follow the law and don't cause trouble that would have you detained by the police. If you are legal...the same thing applies!!
Anyway....my rant is done for the moment. Until someone else says or does something stupid, that is....which seems to be every day.
Kudos to Danny Glover!!! (I've always liked him as an actor...now I like him even more!)
So...tell me....what are your thoughts?
I'm not a politcal person, I don't 'serve' a party and for the most part I pay no attention to the political world around me. And it's not because I don't care, it's because, I'll admit, I'm not smart enough to understand what they're all fighting about. Call me simple...no don't call me that. Anyway, despite my lack of understanding at why we have two opposing parties who think they're what's best for our country, I do follow the news programs and count on their intelligence to help me understand in layman's terms what all the hooplah is about. And over the years I've figured out that whenever the Republican party is all about the money... their money. The minute they feel their pocketbooks are threatened they scream our country is falling apart. Take the new health care bill for example. According to the opposition this bill is "forcing" Americans to get health insurance. WHAT??? Where in this bill does it say "Any American Citizen who does not have insurance will automatically be given insurance whether you want it or not." People....it's a choice--free will---take it or leave it!!! Can someone please tell me why these f**king idiots are even in office?? Now, seriously, why is there even a debate about this? Who wouldn't want insurance?? As the mother of four, one child with special needs and another who takes a monthly medication, not to mention that my husband and I are getting older and with age come health problems...I'm grateful we have insurance! And to be able to keep my children on our insurance until age 26 not only eases one worry for my daughter--who will be under a doctor's care for the rest of her life (because she developed type one diabetes) it shows that, yes our country is finally looking out for the little people. My guess is the people fighting the bill are doing so because they feel the money to cover it is going to to come out of their pockets....as always the rich want to continue to get richer while the poor should stay in their place and get poorer. This link was posted by a friend at Facebook. Check it out and tell me....what is so wrong with this bill??? Really....because I just don't know why it's causing such an uproar.
Okay, so I failed my New Year's Resolution. Did you really expect me not to?? To be honest, it wasn't a realistic goal to begin with. I mean, I'm not really a blogger because (1) I'm more private than a blog allows (2) I don't quite see the point. I mean, really, does anyone actuallly care what I had for breakfast (coffee) or that I had a dentist appointment yesterday (no cavities!)? Sure there are some really good blogs out there and some that are very informative, but, sadly, this isn't one of them. Of course I could probably make it entertaining, but that can take too much thought of which I haven't had enough coffee for and then it will come across as forced. Not that I'm not amusing at times. A n y w a y. Another reason for my lack of posting (aside from the dreaded What's my title going to be??) I've been busy putting together interviews for the Desert Rose Blog. Desert Rose is the RWA chapter I belong to in Phoenix. This year we're holding our bennial conference and as a way to "break the ice" we're spotlighting our speakers. It's been a lot of fun so if you get a chance, swing by and comment or just read, whatever. I'm only posting three a week so it gives me time to work on my own writing....which I'm not really doing a lot of anyway. So, how have you been doing with your resolutions? Have you kept them?
Okay, so I missed a day posting. I couldn't think of a song title for the heading. hah Right now I'm having my second cup of coffee and catching up on posts for an online writing class I'm taking. Alexandra Sokolov is running it so how could I miss out on that?? I'm really taken aback at how many multipublished authors are in this class, but for any writer, new or established, who is serious about their chosen field, writing courses are a must. You can never stop learning or perfecting your craft. But the classes aren't just for learning the differencce between active and passive voice or showing not telling, they're about getting motivated and inspired to move on to the next book and the book after that. I've been having a bit of a slump in that area, but I'll admit some of it is due to laziness on my part. The other is trying to write when one kid has the TV full blast, the stereo (whining out the Jonas Brothers) and You-Tube on the computer listening to Jim Gaffigan (over and over!). Talk about not being able to concentrate! Thankfully school starts back up Monday! So, until then, this last weekend will be spent taking apart Christmas and moving into 2010. What are your weekend plans?
***Lyrics from a song by Barry Manilow***Well, so far I haven't failed my NYR (New Year's Resolution for those who are acronym challenged). Although it's not actually the new year....semantics. After my complaints about 2009 in yesterday's post, I came across a post today by Brett Battles at Murderati . In it, Brett talks about the good things he came away with during the year. Like most of the posts at Murderati, it got me thinking. Unfortunately I can't think of anything about 2009 to be thankful for, but in his post, Brett mentions how nervous they are about his son making the transition to high school in the fall. His son has Down Syndrome. In today's day and age you can't help but worry about your children and how they'll handle moving from one stage of life to the next, especially if they're handicapped. My daughter is handicapped. She has Cerebral Palsy, Scoliosis and Type One Diabetes. Her CP isn't as severe as some, she's ambulatory (meaning she can walk, no wheelchair or assistance needed). She's smart as a whip...an A/B student and takes regular classes, although some are c0-taught. She has difficulty speaking (because of a tongue thrust) and she has difficulty with her gross and fine motor skills (she needs assistance getting dressed sometimes and brushing her hair). But, the thing about Manda that touches everyone she meets is that, she doesn't think of herself as handicapped (and she doesn't like the lable). She's always ready to greet you with a smile. She's happy and friendly to everyone she meets (although she can instantly dislike someone if they're rude or mean). She's a typical teenager-- goes to the mall, hangs out with friends, chats on Facebook and even has a job as an usher at the local movie theater. She's a senior in high school and is planning to attend the Art Institute in Arizona this fall, to be a pastry chef. Like any normal teenager, she has goals and a plan of what she wants to do with her life. As her parent, it's my responsiblity to make sure her goals are realistic (like, sorry baby, you can't be a ballerina or a singer--although she has great tone). I've always tried not to shield her from too much, because I know how cruel the world can be and over the course of her life we've been very lucky in that she has never had any problems with bullies. Of course that could also be because from day one in kindergarten I made a point to be at her school regularly and scare the bejeezus out of anyone who dared look at her cross-eyed. haha Even today there are a lot of kids in her class who will go out of their way to make sure she is protected and that no one bothers her. It says a lot about society and how we've changed from calling the children with handicaps "freaks" to saying they have "special needs" and treating them as equals. So, if I have to say something good about 2009 it will be that even with the diagnosis of Type One Diabetes and knowing she will be insulin dependant for the rest of her life, Manda stayed strong and focused, she took the punch and got up, dusted herself off and continued to live. She never let the CP define her and she doesn't let the diabetes. She's going to make her mark in the world and I can't wait to see what she does. Okay, so this post had nothing to do with New Years Eve, but I warned ya yesterday, I'll be rambly. ;-) Thanks for stopping by
**For those of you who don't usually follow my blogs (here or at MySpace) I tend to title them with a song title or lyrics. =)
Only two days left of 2009 and I can't tell you how glad I am to see it finally end!! It's been such a crappy year altogether! I won't even go into all the horrible things 2009 tossed at us because I try to never dwell on the past, it happened, it's so yesterday, and now you can look at it as a learning experience and move on. Suffice it to say, we survived intact.
Okay, to be honest, a lot of the personal crappiness of 2009 is partly my fault. I let the fact that I haven't had an agent since July 2007 get to me. But, how could I not? I mean, finding an agent (twice) was validation that yeah, I can have a career as a writer, but, unfortunately, that agent didn't deem me worthy enough to stick with me through the ups and downs. She didn't fight hard enough to get my work to an editor and she didn't believe in me enough to know I could give her more work to sell. Initially, when she dumped me, I was pissed off, then depressed, then determined. I sold my novella, the one an editor (now at Simon & Schuster) requested I write and I returned to work on my third novel. Of course my momentum died when 2008 ended and I still didn't have another sale or agent and my e-books sales were practically obsolete.
So, I spent 2009 in a funk...not really writing, getting more and more depressed that, although I was getting requests for fulls on my first book Forget Me Not and I got awesome feedback on my second book Dark Obsession from the amazing author Lauren Baratz-Logstead who totally loved my book (she even did the copy edits) I wasn't getting any offers. The eighteen months of rejections totally killed my spirit and I let the depression fester for so long I completely lost sight of the pot of gold that is writing. I let down my family, my friends and my (limited amount of) fans. And, I'm sorry.
Now I'm not normally one to make a New Years resolution because....I don't know why, I just don't. But this year I'm going to give it a try. So, here goes: - On December 31st I'm going to flush 2009 down the drain, clear my mind of the self-doubt that became my prison and I promise to sit butt in chair and write--non-stop---for two hours a day!
 - I will complete not one but two novels this year.
 - I will find an agent and an editor by the end of June!!
- I will market myself better than I have been by posting a blog daily---be forewarned, they could be dull and rambly. =)
 I might add more as the days go by, but for now, there ya go.
So, Goodbye and Good Riddance 2009.
Welcome 2010!
So, what are your resolutions for the new year?
 Today I'm honored to introduce to you a very facinating woman. Lucha Corpi. Lucha is a poet, novelist, and children's book author. As a woman, a Hispanic, an immigrant and a mother, she has always found herself breaking down barriers in both life and literature. Her art has always meant activism.
In 1970, she received a National Endowment for the Arts Creative Writing Fellowship for poems later included in Palabras de mediodia / Noon Words (Fuego de Aztlán Publications, 1980; bilingual edition Arte Público Press, 2001). Her first collection of poems appeared in Fireflight: Three Latin American Poets (Oyes, 1976), and a third poetry collection followed: Variaciones sobre una tempestad / Variations on a Storm (Third Woman Press, 1990).
In 1990, Corpi was awarded a Creative Arts Fellowship in fiction by the City of Oakland, and she was named poet laureate at Indian University Northwest.
She was a tenured teacher in the Oakland Public Schools Neighborhood Centers Program for over 30 years.
An Essay by Lucha Corpi
I spent the first eight years of my life in a small tropical community that fostered the creation, performance, and appreciation of music and poetry, in addition to storytelling. Located in the southern part of the state of Veracruz, my hometown, Jáltipan, had a population of about two thousand when I was born. Although we enjoyed the use of electricity, we lacked other modern conveniences. Since there was no tap water, for example, people caught rainfall in large drums for washing and bathing. Folks who could afford it paid water carriers to bring cans of drinking water to their doorsteps from the natural springs outside town. Twice a week, Tirso, the water carrier, brought the spring water to my grandmother’s house. Sometimes Tirso would let my brother VÃctor and I sit on his mules while he carried the cans inside. Water carriers were famous for being among the toughest and most foul-tongued men in the region. Our Tirso was no exception. But unlike other water carriers, he delighted in teaching the children in town some of his favorite colorful expressions. VÃctor and I were only five and three years old, but we were Tirso’s star pupils. Being a great deal more cautious than I, VÃctor did not use this kind of colorful language in front of our parents, and he suggested I follow his example, a warning that I, naturally, didn’t heed. I filled up with those forbidden words, as if they were mangoes or guavas—meaty, sensual, sweet. Encouraged by my aunt’s and cousins’ chuckles, I practiced my newly acquired vocabulary quite often. During one of those practice sessions, my mother heard me. “I’ll wash your mouth with soap if I ever hear you use bad language again,” my mother warned then added, “I promise you.” I gave her innumerable opportunities to keep her “promise,” and she did. That year I was the three-year-old with the cleanest, though not necessarily the purest, tongue in town. **** Despite the two-year difference between us, my brother VÃctor and I were inseparable, but he was already six years old and he had to begin school. Despite promises and threats, he refused to start school without me. I was four years old. The only way I could attend school was by permission from the principal and the first-grade teacher. Whenever people became too nosy about each other’s private affairs, my mother was fond of saying that a small town can be a big hell. But one of the advantages of living in a “small big hell” is precisely that people know one another well. In my case, this proved to be a blessing since my parents knew Professor MartÃnez, the school principal, well. My father took VÃctor and me to see him. My father explained the reasons for his unusual request. The principal agreed but warned, “You understand that even if she stays the whole year, she will have to start the first grade when she finally reaches the legal age to attend.” My father and I agreed. Two days later, VÃctor and I began school. I was given a desk in the back of the classroom. I liked sitting in a corner, thoroughly fascinated with the subjects we studied. During the next two-hundred school days, I sat in my little corner quietly content. Quietly also, I learned to read and write, to add and subtract, to tell fruit from flower, clock from calendar, caterpillar from worm, dolphin from shark. At the end of my first year in school, naively, I asked if I could participate in the cultural program or if my drawings could be included in the students’ art exhibit. But I was refused. Everyone liked me and the teachers admired my tenacity and constancy, but I wasn’t even a name or a file number on the school roster. I was four, free to go to school or stay home, but I was also an illegal student. I was invisible. The next year, nonetheless, no one objected to my returning to school. So my brother and I started the second grade. At the end of the year, everyone was pleased that I would be legally attending school the following February. But it was decided that I was too young to go on to the third grade, even though I passed every test with only minor errors. So I was asked to repeat the second grade. I loved going to school so I had no objections. On the first school day in February 1952, my father and I walked into the second-grade classroom. The teacher showed me to a student desk in the front row, close to her desk. But I wasn’t happy there and I got her permission to sit at my usual place in the remote corner of the room. Because I already knew the subjects well, I was often asked to tutor other students. The following year, trying to keep me challenged, my third grade teacher began to instruct me in the recitation of poetry. She taught me how to deliver an impeccable line by sensing the rhythm of the poem, in the same way that my piano teacher later helped me to understand musical phrasing. Because by age seven, I could read well, my father asked me to read to him from any section of the regional newspaper, except the crime page—la pagina roja. He pulled it out and folded it to dispose of it later, but he didn’t tear it up. I always found it and read it. After awhile I tired of reading about brawls, knifings, bloody accidents, but began to get interested in the kind of crimes, in which someone plotted to kill, rob, kidnap, or defraud someone else, and in the cops or the amateur detectives who conducted the investigation of the crime. This is basically the detective story. That is the kind of mystery novel I write and love. Death at Solstice, out this year, is the fourth of the Gloria Damasco series. It joins Eulogy for a Brown Angel, Cactus Blood and Black Widow’s Wardrobe. Each of the novels deals with the history and culture of Mexican Americans and Latinos in the U.S., elements that are integral to the plot without sacrificing any of the conventions of a good fast-paced crime story. If I’ve done my job well, these will be of interest to you and your readers. Gracias for inviting me to share my story and my work with you and your readers today. About the BookChicana detective Gloria Damasco has a ''dark gift,'' an extrasensory prescience that underscores her investigations and compels her to solve numerous cases. This time, the recurring vision haunting her dreams contains two pairs of dark eyes watching her in the night, a phantom horse and rider, and the voice of a woman pleading for help. But most disquieting of all is Gloria's sensation of being trapped underwater, unable to free herself, unable to breathe. When Gloria is asked to help the owners of the Oro Blanco winery in California's Shenandoah Valley, she finds herself on the road to the legendary Gold Country. And she can't help but wonder if the ever-more persistent visions might foreshadow this new case that involves the theft of a family heirloom, a pair of antique diamond and emerald earrings rumored to have belonged to Mexico's Empress Carlota.
Soon Gloria learns that there s more to the case than stolen jewelry.
Mysterious accidents, threatening anonymous notes, the disappearance of a woman believed to be a saint, and a ghost horse thought to have belonged to notorious bandit Joaquin Murrieta are some of the pieces Gloria struggles to fit together.
A woman's gruesome murder and the discovery of a group of young women from Mexico being held against their will in an abandoned house send Gloria on a fateful journey to a Witches' Sabbath to find the final pieces of the puzzle before someone else is killed.
Corpi weaves the rich cultural history of California's Gold Country with a suspenseful mystery in this latest installment in the Gloria Damasco Mystery series.
Find more interesting stories about Lucha at her Red Room Author's Page You can also find her at these sites during her tour. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PrizesAs you visit each blog on the tour, leave a comment with your email addy and be eligible to win an autograph copy of Death at Solstice.Also the author is offering a Grand Prize of a set of all her books in the series to the person that visits and leaves a comment and their email addy at the most blogs during the tour.
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