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Tuesday morning my daughter learned a dear friend, she once considered a sister, took her own life. Why? No one can say. Jennifer was a beautiful young woman with so much to live for. Unfortunately, she didn't think so. It shatters my heart to think this young child felt ending her life was the only answer. That no one close to her even knew she carried such a darkness inside her. She was a special person and she will be deeply missed.
While online earlier, I found this article by Sarah York, a Unitarian Minister who specializes in grief counseling. Her words were comforting to me and I hope to you. I hope she doesn't mind my using her words.(I changed the names to Jennifer). Early this week, Jennifer completed a decision. Where there is pain and confusion, despair and doubt, we long for the end to suffering. For some, life no longer has any choices but one. Life leaves scars that the suffering can not find the inner resources to heal. The inner pain was too great – pain that she had contained within herself for years, pain that often lashed out in anger, mostly at herself. Jenn chose to end the suffering for herself. The mind was exhausted, the heart frightened, and the end taken. The suffering does not end, however, for those who have loved and cared for her. Friends and family are left with feelings of shock, betrayal, anger, sadness, and – in time – compassion and forgiveness. Those who are left ask and continue to ask, “What could I have done? Why didn’t I see it?”
No one knows. And nothing will bring her back.
No one is responsible for Jenn’s choice but Jenns and this We come into this time with a range of emotions as deep and complex as the young woman we are remembering.
Here there is love – and the searing pain of separation.
Here there is anger – and the futile search to understand why Jennifer could not weather the despair that locked her alone into her self.
Here there are questions – why, mostly. Why?
Some of you come feeling bruised by this death and asking what you could have done to prevent it.
Jenn’s choice to die touches the despair that courts many of us in our own moments of loneliness and threatens the structures of meaning that affirm our own lives. Let us remember that no single act of desperation can define a life. No matter how stalked by pain, Jennifer’s life also had its moments of delight and happiness, caring and friendship, sharing and love. Death by choice is not a denial of life; it is the cry of despair for more life. It grows from a deep personal alienation or profound suffering and is carried out alone, after a struggle within the self.
When a death such as this cuts across life in its fullness, we are left with a certain incompleteness. We know that Jennifer leaves much unfinished, unfulfilled, unsaid. There are still other things you wanted to share with her, and she with you: Graduations, weddings, the birth of grandchildren; another walk on the lake at sunset with friends, another shopping spree, another video game. This sadness for the loss of this life, full and blossoming, mingles with the sadness for the loss of possibilities not realized.
It's so difficult to find words of comfort for the family and friends suffering through this tragedy, but Ms. York says them well.
Rest in Peace, Jenn.
Okay...I'm not in a good mood, so I'm going to spew my venomous anger here....sorry....you might want to just move along...although hardly anyone even reads my blog, so, whatever. Anyway....what's got me so pissed off, you might ask? Contests! The RWA Golden Heart to be exact. What's the GH you ask? It's a contest for unpublished writers held by RWA.... duuuhhhLike an idiot, I entered...two of my novels....yeah, really stupid waste of money. But, I entered because I really thought I had a good chance of finaling...after all both books had been professionally edited and 'doctored', both have gotten rave reviews from my beta readers and both have had many requests by agents and editors, and one recently sold. But, when March 25 rolled around, I didn't get "the call". There was always a part of me that knew I wouldn't because for some reason when I enter a contest (which I very rarely do) I always end up with that one judge who just trashes my scores. (I haven't gotten my scores back yet for GH, but was told recently that neither novel's scores were very high.....which just pissed me off even more!!) It's like they have a personal vendetta against me or something. Maybe they're threatened...who knows? Or, maybe I just get the worst judges they can find...those newbie writers who judge the books based on the "rules" of writing...for instance...Assinine rule #1---the hero and heroine must meet in the first five pages (nope, doesn't happen in my books). Assinine rule # 2....the first male character shown in the book must be the hero (not always in my book). I'm sure there are more, but I can't think of them cuz I'm still annoyed. (I've downgraded from pissed so that's a good thing.) Ranting on a blog really helps....and kept me from replying to an earlier email with a comment so nasty it probably coulda gotten me suspended from RWA...then where would my local chapter be? They're about to elect me president...haha. Anyway...for anyone thinking about entering GH..ever...DON'T...it's a waste of time and money and you get nothing valuable from it. To be honest, in the whole scheme of things the contest means absolutely nothing. I mean....no one can even tell you who finaled or who won last year (without cheating, that is) and you likely won't find the winning book in the stores because half the time the winners or finalists don't ever sell their book...I can name several people who constantly final but never sell....that should tell you something about the judges. But, that's besides the point. Am I being too bitter? Damn straight! Do I have a right to be? Hell yeah! Am I shooting myself in the foot by shooting off my mouth? Most likely. Do I care? Not really. Now...do I feel better having said all this? Kinda. Anyway....on to something less bitchy. I finally got my assigned editor for my recently sold book, so hopefully I'll have a release date soon. Which means I'll have to do some promos to help get the book into your hands....and doing promos isn't fun...I'm just not the attention getting whore I need to be. (heh) I'm also trying to rebuild my website...and I must bow down to those people who can build websites without wanting to kill someone! Ok....Rant's over and it's getting late. I'm going to bed now. So...tell me fearless reader....what's pissed you off recently?
Okay, we're going to pretend that's NOT a Justin Bieber song. Well, it's official....I signed a contract with another electronic publisher for my novel Forget Me Not. This is the book that was on the table at Kensington a few years ago, but the editor left and it got kicked to the curb. Anyway, I refused to give up on the book and sought the guidance and copy-edits of my dear friend the wonderful Lauren Baratz-Logsted! I had hoped to go to a traditional publishing house with the book but felt like I'd already burned those bridges when I had an agent. And I gave up looking for an agent to help me sell when the two I had previously didn't work out. Such a long story and not worth going into. Eventually I'll look for an agent again....the third time's a charm, right? But, for now, I'm going to stick with taking care of business myself. I'm really excited that this book is going to be published, but at the same time I'm terrified it's going to be out there for strangers to read and maybe even rip to shreds...not that I expect anyone to hate it, the readers I've had so far all love the story and especially my hero, Scott (who is my favorite character of my works). So, anyway, I haven't gotten the details on a release date, but I'll post that as soon as I get the word. There's a lot to do before a book can be released...gotta make the cover, gotta go through about five sets of copy-edits, then gotta proof the galleys. Although, electronic publishing is faster than traditional publishing so the book will most likely be on sale within the next six months...maybe by my birthday. :) So, I hope you'll search it out when the time comes and let me know your thoughts. In the meantime...I have to restart my web-presence, rebuild my website and try to figure out more ways to promote myself (which is really hard cuz I'm not the "Look at me!" type. Oh, and to whet your appetite for the book, here's the blurb: Thirteen murders. Six years. One connection.
Romance novelist Casey Martinez thought changing her name would help her escape the pain of her past but when she receives photographs of a grisly murder, it becomes evident that a killer is stalking her. Over the past five years, women who share an eerie similarity to Casey have been found raped and mutilated—each with the remains of Casey’s book by their side. Haunted by the death of her mother twenty five years earlier, Casey does what she swore she would never do-- returns to her hometown, Rosehill, Texas.
Hidden away in a beach house, Casey's stubborn determination clashes with easy-going Scott Weller, the detective assigned as her bodyguard. When Casey is attacked during a break-in, evidence points to a second stalker. And with the gruesome discovery of another body, it becomes a race against time to find the real killer before Casey becomes the next victim.
I hope you all had a great weekend ringing in the new and tossing out the old. I think most everyone spent the time putting away their Christmas decorations. We were no exception. Funny how fast you can tear it all down. On New Years day I made our traditional dinner of black-eyed peas, cabbage, cornbread and ham. The kids all complained about it, but they ate it anyway...no one was going to chance the bad luck. I even told Becca about the superstition that if you sneeze on New Year's day you'll have good luck for the year. She really took it to heart and sneezed a jazillon times that day! Anyway, the rest of the day was spent doing much of nothing. My husband watched football all day, Adam and Manda both had to work, Jeremy played some game (WOW, I think) on the computer and Becca and I went to see The Little Fockers. It was a pretty funny movie. We planned to see Black Swan, but it was so packed and the only open seats were the ones right in front of the screen, so we passed on that movie and went to see the Fockers. So, anyway....Becca and Jeremy went back to school today so I've had only peace and quiet all day (Manda slept in--her classes don't start for another two weeks). I was planning to try to start a new book (or jump back into an unfinished one) but I can't seem to get motivated. All the rejections of the past years have really killed my muse. :-/ I need to find another one or steal someone else's ...hmmm....I wonder where Nora Roberts' muse vacations. hah Okay, so far my new year is a bit dull...or at least the blog is. Maybe it'll get better...my horoscope keeps telling me it will. I guess I should go try and be productive at something. If you made it this far....wow....sorry. =D Enjoy your day and thanks for reading. I shall attempt to post another rambling blog tomorrow. Cheers!
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Then we had lots of family come in for graduation...well not lots, but there were fifteen people in my house for five days! It was a blast! 
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